Pregnant…oh $#!@

I first became pregnant when I was 18.  I fell for the wrong guy for ALL the wrong reasons and at the very wrong time!  I was young and stupid and didn’t even realize I was pregnant at first.  I was partying a lot and didn’t slow down in time.  The guy I was with already had a kid and did not want another.  That kid didn’t slow him down at all either so he really wasn’t wanting to slow down for his new girlfriend! Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I started bleeding.  I knew that I was probably miscarrying.  I didn’t know why that thought made me so sad.  After all, I was young and up to that point I didn’t want kids at all. The more I thought about it though, I realized that I loved the life inside me.  I ended up not saying anything to my mom for a week because I didn’t want to believe the baby was gone.  By the time I said anything I was very sick and the hospital had to pump me full of fluids.  They looked and looked for any sign that my baby was there; each time was devastating when they found nothing.  Finally, they had to do a D&C to clean me out.  I had never been so depressed before.  I felt like my partying had killed my baby.  There was an emptyness there that I had never felt before.  It wasn’t until many years later that I learned that a lot of women lost their first pregnancies before they even knew they were they were pregnant.  That fact made me feel a bit better but didn’t take away all the guilt I still feel to this day.


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