How to Fix Flat Nipples

How to Fix Flat Nipples 

Recognize the problem while you are pregnant but don’t do anything about it then. 

Wait to correct the problem until the baby is here and needs to eat.  This just adds to the excitement and entertainment level.

Believe that your flat nipples are not getting better because of the Medella Breast Pump that you currently own.

Rent the best hospital grade breast pump money can buy.

Pump with the highest suction setting possible despite the excruciating pain caused by this act.

Become a master at self breast massage.

Spend a fortune buying every nipple shield size possible to try to find a way to alleviate said pain.



Get pissed off at your body for failing you.

Get mad at your self for being a failure.

Get mad at your family for breathing.

Call your mother in another state every two hours.  Make sure that you switch it up.  Call once in tears and the next time triumphant.  The point of this is to confuse her, make her feel helpless and like SHE’S a failure.

Eat a carton of ice cream.



Make animal-like angry noises and throw the stupid f****ing breast shields on the damn floor.

Swear you are giving up.

Try again.

Be a bitch to everyone in your house.

Beg God for huge, protruding nipples and realize while doing it that this request might just make you sound like you are preparing for a role on an adult film.

Beg your baby through tears, snot and sobs to, “Just please latch on already.”

Try to coax baby to latch on by saying ridiculous things like, “Nummy, nummy, milky, milky,” while bouncing your breast off their face.


Groan at the new excrutiating pain that nursing this baby causes. 

Buy stock in Lasinoh.

Use lots of ice packs and hot showers.

Nurse for four months.

Gaze in amazement and awe at your nipples when you realize that not only are they no longer flat but you also could totally direct traffic to the left or the right with these bad boys. 

I do a lot of thinking in the shower as that is my only free time and I just happened to notice my nipples…so there you go.


4 responses to “How to Fix Flat Nipples

  1. My startled laughter is ringing through the house at six in the morning, and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.

  2. Loved this one. Please remain so crazy and give the world more to laugh about!

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